This week I am thirty weeks pregnant, and by now I should now be comfortable and confident in this pregnancy right? Wrong!
I still worry, I still have doubts, and I still fear that this promise of my rainbow baby could be taken away from me at any moment. Perhaps that sounds paranoid, but it’s my reality.
Many ask me why I jest about this pregnancy, about the fact that I can now feel my baby move most of the day, that I don’t sleep at night or can’t eat without severe heartburn. Quietly, I am loving the fact that I’m pregnant, but my reality is that I am high risk with constant monitoring, scans and check-ups, I’m on edge and I still worry. It keeps me awake at night, and my mind cannot stop as I try desperately to look ahead, yet still feel that at any moment it will all be gone.
I’ve wanted to enjoy this pregnancy, but it has been difficult. Even having reached many of the milestones we never thought were possible, and with each new positive step forward, there is always a cloud of doubt in my mind… Is this for real?
Many women who have dealt with pregnancy loss have told me that my fears and anxieties are not that irrational. This is a difficult journey for any woman, with so much knowledge but so little control. However, having experienced losses in the past, and having come so far this time, I feel I need to protect my heart above everything else. Until the day that I get to hold my new born baby in my arms, I’m not sure I will truly relax. I feel a little sad about this; guilty that I am not enjoying this time more. I am constantly wishing away the weeks until I meet our baby boy.
So when I do make jokes about my pregnancy ailments, or I hesitate on buying certain things for my baby, please know that this is the only way I know how to protect my emotions. I’m desperately trying to keep a safe distance, yet with each day I find myself growing more attached. I am blessed to be here, as I know many have not made it this far, and yet I’m still scared to death. Every moment of every day I worry about this pregnancy, and rightly or wrongly, I have kept a safe distance from imagining too far ahead.
Despite all of this, I still remain hopeful, and I continue to be thankful for something I thought was never possible. With each day, I am one more step closer to meeting my Rainbow Baby.