Beyond the Rainbow

This week I am thirty weeks pregnant, and by now I should now be comfortable and confident in this pregnancy right? Wrong!

I still worry, I still have doubts, and I still fear that this promise of my rainbow baby could be taken away from me at any moment. Perhaps that sounds paranoid, but it’s my reality.

Many ask me why I jest about this pregnancy, about the fact that I can now feel my baby move most of the day, that I don’t sleep at night or can’t eat without severe heartburn. Quietly, I am loving the fact that I’m pregnant, but my reality is that I am high risk with constant monitoring, scans and check-ups, I’m on edge and I still worry. It keeps me awake at night, and my mind cannot stop as I try desperately to look ahead, yet still feel that at any moment it will all be gone.a6d2e73621cf0e79f36c2050637793f3

I’ve wanted to enjoy this pregnancy, but it has been difficult. Even having reached many of the milestones we never thought were possible, and with each new positive step forward, there is always a cloud of doubt in my mind… Is this for real?

Many women who have dealt with pregnancy loss have told me that my fears and anxieties are not that irrational. This is a difficult journey for any woman, with so much knowledge but so little control. However, having experienced losses in the past, and having come so far this time, I feel I need to protect my heart above everything else. Until the day that I get to hold my new born baby in my arms, I’m not sure I will truly relax. I feel a little sad about this; guilty that I am not enjoying this time more. I am constantly wishing away the weeks until I meet our baby boy.

So when I do make jokes about my pregnancy ailments, or I hesitate on buying certain things for my baby, please know that this is the only way I know how to protect my emotions. I’m desperately trying to keep a safe distance, yet with each day I find myself growing more attached. I am blessed to be here, as I know many have not made it this far, and yet I’m still scared to death. Every moment of every day I worry about this pregnancy, and rightly or wrongly, I have kept a safe distance from imagining too far ahead.

Despite all of this, I still remain hopeful, and I continue to be thankful for something I thought was never possible. With each day, I am one more step closer to meeting my Rainbow Baby.

 

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  5 comments for “Beyond the Rainbow

  1. June 15, 2016 at 11:27 PM

    A beautiful heartfelt blog. It is so not just you. I could never shake the fear, all the way through my healthy pregnancies. To be honest, I still can’t believe my babies are here and continue to fight fear every day. I try not to focus too much on that with other people going through this bc I don’t want to freak anyone out that they will be scarred for life. But if I am perfectly honest, I do feel that way, and it’s one reason I’m here and love this community so much, even though my kids are 9 and 4, it still helps so much to be “with” people who get the trauma, get the fear, understand in ways that others can’t. And it’s not as bad as it was, but it’s about constant coping. All parents have to do it to some degree of course. But it’s different for us, it just is. But one of my final observations in my memoir, my lovely writer friend, is that yes, I fight fear every day, but love wins. The moments of love, big and small, of children outweighs everything. You’ve been traumatized, you’ve been changed, and it’s hard, but you’re going to be ok. We’re going to be ok together! You’re doing great, you are so close- 30 weeks, eek!- just keep plugging, mama, and do and say WHATEVER feels right for YOU. To everyone else, just smile and nod. xo

  2. June 16, 2016 at 5:18 AM

    Only shows you’re human. I’d be the same in your shoes.
    All the Best
    🙂

  3. June 16, 2016 at 9:19 AM

    Congratulations on making it this far, and this is only the real beginning of all the worrying and the anxiety. Your emotions are to be protected, I completely understand, you do what you need to do and the rest will follow. Remember the baby can feel what you feel in utero, so practice mindfulness and calmness too. Your baby boy is feeling real after each week, and continue to bask in that moment, there is nothing but the present moment. Enjoy

  4. June 16, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    R…..you are just showing us you are exactly what we knew you were from reading your memoirs……a woman with a dream. The one thing you need to know, though, is when this little bugger does show, that’s when the worrying and paranoia will kick in even more.

    If wishes and hopes can make it happen R……..you have all of ours.

  5. June 16, 2016 at 1:19 PM

    After all you’ve been through it’s only natural to have so many worries. I hope that you are able to enjoy the pregnancy as much as you can nonetheless and hopefully the time will fly until your little on is in your arms!

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