The entire concept of fertility and infertility is such a closed subject. Women and their families hesitate before telling anyone they want to start a family, for fear of things that could go wrong. So many keep their struggles a secret, sometimes never even talking to close family or friends, and silently grieving when things don’t go to plan.
Entering the world of ‘trying to conceive’ was finding a secret door, hidden inside was a passage that led to pain, shame and heartbreak. For many hopeful families, it is a journey that feels never ending, with no right way to turn. Yet these brave families and the women at the forefront stay focused on their final destination and carry forward with their daily lives, never allowing others to see their secret pain, loss or confusion at why this is happening to them.
There are some of us, who have spoken out. For me, transparency has been important, with my family, friends and even colleagues, and I appreciate that at times this has been slightly uncomfortable. The cloak and dagger approach I could never commit to, and in some ways it was therapeutic to talk about it, hear others perspectives and just connect. I grieved, I hurt and nonetheless, the expectation is always to stay positive, stay hopeful, look forward and keep your head high. It’s difficult. It’s sometimes not possible. But it’s the only option.
With four miscarriages in less than two years, I’ve given myself, my body a break. I am now at a crossroad. Do I try again or do I resolve to end this journey. How many losses can I really cope with, and by trying again, am I setting myself up for failure and more heart ache. I want to stay hopeful, I want to believe we have a real chance of our own family. Yet I hesitate, and I’m afraid. What if that can never happen?
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