One of the hardest things for someone going through fertility challenges or having experienced pregnancy loss is the fact that everyone around you seems to be pregnant and having babies.
Tell me I’m wrong. It is as though, everywhere I look, someone has a lovely round tummy, or a gurgling new born just taunting me, reminding me of what I don’t have. It is one of the ironies of my current situation I guess. It is a constant reminder of what I have lost.
But don’t feel sorry for me here please. This is not meant to be a pity party. It is the reality of life. Not everyone was meant to conceive naturally, and there are many women like me in the same situation.
So how do I deal? There is no exact science to be honest. Sometimes it is difficult and sometimes I will shy away from that baby shower, or first born announcement, purely because it’s the only way I can cope, heal and resolve my own feelings at times. What I do ask is for understanding, not offence. Of course I wish for the same as you and sometimes I do envy you, but don’t get me wrong, I’m never resentful. I’m grateful that you have never had these challenges; or if you have had to deal with any hurdles along your journey, I’m thankful you’ve managed to overcome them.
As with the arrival of Spring; the sunshine and colours of a new season, I will always aim to cover my pain and the loss with smiles, and I will focus on being positive. Yet the hardest times are the ones you don’t expect. There is a moment, a memory, or reflection that will suddenly appear, and out of the blue, the sadness sweeps in. For me, it’s important to accept it, not avoid it.
Life moves on, and the delights of birth, children and families will continue to surround me. My hope is to one day realise that dream of motherhood. Nonetheless, as with anyone who understands infertility or miscarriage, I will always grieve those angels taken before their time, wondering what could have been. That is the winter that will always haunt me, it’s a feeling that a small part of me was lost when they left this world.
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