Initially when we started trying to conceive I would plan my year around when I expected a pregnancy or even planned due dates. Holidays were scheduled with the third trimester pregnancy in mind, and I would hesitate before planning events and social outings months in advance in hope of what ‘could be’.
Then as we lost our pregnancies or in between those months of waiting to conceive again, I felt my life start to take a ‘yo-yo’ effect. I became wary of committing to longer terms plans; even making decisions for my career and opting out of opportunities put in front of me.
I had started managing a strict savings schedule, fearful of spending too much money; thinking of the nest egg I would need to help me through maternity leave. After four miscarriages, I owned a healthy savings account, but nothing to account for it. I wasn’t living; I was just waiting.
I read a line on a poster the other week, which said: ‘life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about dancing in the rain!’
I realized that I had stopped ‘dancing’ through life! Whilst I still enjoyed many lovely things over the years I realize now that I had over planned my lifestyle to fit around a baby-making schedule.
If and when we do finally conceive a child, plans can always be changed, and my lifestyle can be adapted for pending motherhood. Meanwhile, I have learnt to relax, enjoy myself and take the time to dance in the rain. Life should not be about ‘what ifs’ or regrets. Taking my finger off the pause button, helped me to accept that I cannot change fate, but I can still live my life no matter what.
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