How to kill a conversation…

embarrassedThere is a certain kind of awkwardness that sometimes arises in conversations when asked whether I have children – a family. ‘I am married’, is my standard response, hoping this closes off further enquiry. Nonetheless, many will continue to probe, asking: ‘kids?’

Of course there is nothing truly intrusive with this question. A simple ‘no’ and moving onto a new topic is often the most natural route for such conversations. Some do take the hint, and carry forth with a different subject, realising that perhaps this is not something I wish to discuss further.

Others however follow the conversation with persistence.   Perhaps it is curiosity, or even misreading the signals; whichever, the subject stays focused as I am further questioned, ‘any plans to start a family?’  There is no option to divert now, and as I hesitate in response, as I see the conversation starting to fail.

Should I just be honest? Or do I say what most want to hear? Help the conversation get back to a comfortable stance?

Of course I want kids and would love to plan for them. However, at this point in my life, I’m starting to accept that it may never be my reality. The problem is that I haven’t truly accepted this fate myself. Yes, I’m still hopeful.

I also have to be realistic, and this particular subject consistently circles around my consciousness. Nevertheless, it is not my intention to bring others into my own inner turmoil, and starting a conversation around infertility and experiences with miscarriage just makes everyone uncomfortable, right?

Uncomfortable because it’s something we still don’t fully understand, and of course because it is a dream I may never fulfil.

Maybe I am the awkward one, and perhaps it is my own feelings of discomfort with my personal situation that creates this unease? To be completely truthful, I don’t know what to say when some ask me these questions. My answer is that I have always ‘planned for kids’ but those plans went astray with four miscarriages and now problems with my cycle returning to normal. The fact is I cannot get pregnant today, and it is likely that I will struggle to carry and retain a pregnancy to full term.

Now that’s a conversation killer!


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  4 comments for “How to kill a conversation…

  1. Angelak
    June 26, 2015 at 1:18 PM

    Don’t give up hope. There are more ways to skin a cat. Be it old fashioned way, surrogate, adoption, ivf, you will have kids one day. Don’t give up on that. Easy for me to say I know but being a mum isn’t about physically carrying them for 9 its carrying them forever in your hearts and minds 24/7 from the moment they are yours. So whichever way it will be remember you will be a mum just maybe not the way you planned. 🙂

  2. June 26, 2015 at 6:33 PM

    Thank you for your lovely comments! Yes there is still options and I won’t give up 🙂 xxx

  3. Rachel B
    July 15, 2015 at 4:15 PM

    Hi Rachel (my name is Rachel also) I’m just finding your blog today. I can relate to so much of what you are saying and I thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave. I also got Ashermans from my D&C after miscarriage and have been ttc for over 3 years. My RE suggests IVF but not with the scar tissue in my uterus. I have an apt this afternoon to have it removed. I’ve been googling today and that’s how I came across your blog. This entire process is so frustrating and scary. I will pray for your good health, ultimate successful pregnancy, and baby. Thanks again for being a support for other women just by sharing this amazing blog.

    • July 15, 2015 at 5:51 PM

      Thank you Rachel! I’m sorry you are also dealing with Ashermans. Its so very frustrating, I empathasise completely. I’m going into a second hysteroscopy next month but I’m not really sure if it will be successful. And then I’m the same, they say I would need IVF assistance if we wanted to try again… so going from falling pregnant really quickly to not even being able to try – its maddening! 🙂 Good luck and I really really hope it goes well with your procedure! Keep me updated

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