It has now been twelve months since the last storm (aka, my fourth miscarriage), and I’m still in search of my rainbow. However, to be perfectly honest I have taken some time from seeking out that colourful aspiration, and I have focused on giving myself time to heal throughout the aftermath.
I have bruises, scars even; and although they are fading, their pain is always with me. My biggest concern today is how do I move past this pain? When will I feel brave enough to try one more time? Of course I can try, but for me the fear of loss prevails more so than the hope of what could be. Am I alone? Surely there are other women feeling this same inherent paranoia that is now circling their every decision and experience, from one cycle to the next.
I found a related article recently, commenting that women, who have experienced pregnancy loss or fertility treatments, are often haunted by the stress and anxiety of loss throughout their entire pregnancy and even beyond. Somehow it didn’t surprise me, and yet it comforted me. Those sometimes irrational thoughts that periodically whir through my mind suddenly didn’t feel so ridiculous. Is this the new normal for someone like me?
In fact I find myself getting defensive, even defeatist before even starting down that road again. A friend asked me the other day why I wasn’t positive. I guess it is now my natural inclination to manage my own expectations. If I expect the worst, the fall won’t be so hard?
What makes this so difficult is that this process is so very uncontrollable and there is nothing I can do, nor anyone else, to make this succeed. My future is literally in the hands of fate and I need to trust that there is a greater purpose, a reason for my pain and heartache so far. I also need to build up the courage and the stamina to give myself that extra chance. If this is truly my dream, and I genuinely want to be a mother, I need to make a choice on how I want to pursue this.
But when and how?
Surely I will know when the time is right, when I’m ready to search beyond those storm clouds, even just for a glimpse of that rainbow. It will be only then that I will fight beyond the aftermath of memories, in search of what’s beyond the rainbow, pursuing my dream with every ounce of my heart and soul.
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