The last three years has certainly been an eye-opener for me.
I had honestly thought that when that time was right, we would start that conception journey and motherhood would quickly follow. Wrong!
But my complete naïvety was very apparent in that thinking. Life really does not have any guarantees.
Nonetheless, I had planned, waited, and calculated my ambitions to be a mother; and for what? I am not sure. I am no further along this journey, and I have actually put many other things in my life on hold, with the expectation that I would be a mother by now. Was that wrong?
I read a book by Sheryl Sandberg, called Lean In. It is a very good book for career minded women like myself; however it has one flaw. Can you always lean in? Sandberg talks about the perception of women versus men, the career ladder, and self-perception. But what if you have had to deal with infertility, miscarriage or even the ongoing medical support that is necessary for one in four women trying to conceive. How do you really manage this with a busy lifestyle and careers without it having some impact?
She talks about the guilt that women have, in their personal circumstances, their way of making excuses for not pushing themselves forward. I am certainly the guilty party here; I have opted out of opportunities purely because I had hoped for my ‘rainbow’ baby. Yet that ray of colours still has not appeared on my horizon.
Now, I seem to find myself in that quandary; how fair is it to my employer or my career, to provide false promises if my heart really wants to pursue motherhood? What if? And that is a big what if at this stage of my life. I want both, but I’m not sure how possible that is.
Do I still hold true, and pause my options; or do I just continue pushing myself, my ambitions, and my lifestyle; as a back-up plan of sorts? If I should finally see that pot of gold, can I move and shake my life accordingly?