My Roller Coaster Ride

Don’t you think that ‘trying to conceive’ is exactly like a rollercoaster ride in an amusement park?

Think back to when you were eight years old (or thereabouts) and that first time you were allowed to ride the biggest and most exciting rollercoaster ride!

First, it is so exciting to arrive and you can’t wait to get there; you run like hell to make sure that you reach the front of the queue as quickly as possible.  The excitement and thrill of the ride itself overwhelms you.  I remember when we first decided we were ready to have a baby.  I couldn’t wait to get started. It was going to be so much fun, and I was so confident we would fall pregnant quickly. It was going to be the most exciting time of our lives.

Then, you arrive at the ride only to find that there is already a very long queue. It is disappointing but you are prepared to wait. Slowly the line shifts and moves, and eventually you reach the point where you are ready to take your seat.  Each cycle feels like that long, painful queue, as you wait for your period to end, you time your ovulation days, and then even worse, the two-week-wait! It feels like your entire life is surrounded by just hoping time will slip by quickly.

Finally, you take your seat and buckle up for the ride.  The ride spins you up and down and all around; you scream with excitement and fear, holding your breath for each twist and turn.  In many ways, the days leading up to the end of each cycle are exactly the same. It’s like riding an emotional and physical rollercoaster as you desperately hope you are pregnant, with feelings of excitement and anticipation building as your cycle nears its end.  You feel yourself losing control, as the dread of disappointment looms, symptoms are over-analysed and you desperately cling to hope, whilst paranoia and fears leave you dizzy and out of control. d5bfc961fcf7c78b96039244113eabd4

But it still is not over. As you step off the ride you feel your body spin, you grasp for the nearest rail as your legs turn to jelly, and you vow never to put yourself through that again.  The disappointment of that negative test or your cycle starting over sends you into a moment of disarray, and you have to reconcile that this was just not the month.

Like the rollercoaster, as you walk down the exit you look back at the queue and you decide, just one more time.

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